I'm scared of myself when I love ...
I don’t want to do it too strongly, and end up empty. Or do it too roughly, and end up hurting, or hold it too tightly and end up smothering. I want to be perfect, and I can’t.
Sometimes, Im afraid to want too openly. I don’t want to seem as empty as I am. I want someone to come along and just understand my brokenness, and why I require such massive amounts of love. Why I hide so much, then I want to feel able enough to show myself to them.
I’m afraid to be hurt again…but I want to feel so badly.
I want not to be so numb anymore.
And now I'm that girl ...
The one who is seemingly absent of emotion at all times, except for when I write, of course. The one who divulges the reality she’s aware of, the nature of humans, and her inability to place anything more than fleeting moments of happiness within them. The one who no longer believes in anything. Sometimes I find myself laying in bed just wanting and waiting to die. I even find myself feeling nostalgia for all the deaths I had known prior to the one I yearn for. There’s nothing here for me. I know how impossible it all is, and nobody can make me a believer.
You can have me..but only for a moment. I’m incapable of giving myself fully. I can’t pretend not to know. I’m just so tired of knowing. All of it makes me miserable.
I don't take anything that happens to me seriously anymore ...
I can’t bring myself to care completely about anything anymore.
I’m always willing to let go and walk away….even if it hurts.
I just view pain as a necessity now, an inevitability, and the price of true happiness.. and so long as I see it this way, I can never be permanently damaged. Nothing will ever matter as much to me as what lies ahead. What I’ll miss out on if I keep looking behind me is much more important than pain that’ll only last an hour before I’ve become numb again. Pain is just a secret being brought to the light, things I didn’t know transforming themselves into knowledge I’ve acquired.
So, do as you please. Hurt me if you want. In the end, it’ll never matter.
You’ll just be another lesson learned.
